Disconnecting the Right Way

The Right Way Part Two: Disconnecting on Apps

When we are on apps like Tinder, Grindr and Feeld which connect us with potential mates or folks who share our kinks, we are faced with hundreds of people to swipe right or left on, and sometimes that can become dehumanizing, leading us to treat the whole experience of connecting with people as a ‘game’ of sorts.

It’s fun to casually chat, as if we were at a cocktail party; to move from one person to another.  The chase, the flirtation, the witty banter, giving and receiving ‘goodnights’ from a handful of individuals whom you are courting, is a rush, however as we know, many of those exchanges don’t evolve into a tangible relationship.

Yet, they are sort of ‘mini-relationships’ aren’t they?  They are moments we have shared with another human being, exchanging intimate thoughts, before deciding that something about them suddenly raises a red flag.  It can be something as simple as a difference in communication style or something as uncomfortable, such as they live like they have never learned to clean the bathroom.

This is a real human being, and we cannot just disconnect on apps abruptly, because we are human too.  It is hurtful to ghost someone, and leave them wondering what they did, causing them to feel self-doubt.  There is always a kind but firm way to begin the disconnection process.

First of all, understand why you are disconnecting.  You have a measuring stick which you are using to evaluate if you have found a truly compatible person to be with.  Suddenly you realize that your communications styles are so different that you will just never be happy.  You like to communicate a lot throughout the day, and they are more reserved, letting whole days go by.  You have talked about it with them, but it seems to be the way they are.  No mal-intent.

What do you do about it? Explain.  Explain that it is not that they are deficient in any way.  They are just different than what works for you.  Explain that you have turned this over in your mind and realize that you are not compatible in this way.  Assure them that you are not going to spend a lifetime hoping they will change or thinking that their love for you will change who they are and how they function.  Be clear that you respect them but will not build your life around a hope that they can be different, and that you have no desire to change them, because that is a path that never works.  In this way, you are being true to yourself.

Hold fast to your honoring of yourself.  Make sure that you mean what you are saying, and not just hoping that they will say, “Oh, babe, I will change for you…” because that, too, is folly. 

Be kind in your execution of the disconnection.  Allow the person to ask questions, to probe your decision so they can better absorb it, and to assure them that there is nothing good that can come of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole: for either one of you.  Remind yourself of this fact as well, because it can be so easy to fall right back into the arms of someone you have feelings for, even though your brain has recognized that this is not the right fit.

Then stay away.  Do not continue to engage.  If you can avoid it, do not go where they go out.  Work hard to cut the strings, because changing your mind later is to deny the truth you already know.  This takes confidence in yourself and your choices, but you are worth it.

A little humor from our shop:
Today a guest asked us to find him a straight vibrator in a certain price range. We asked if he wanted it to be short or long? He replied: “I am not sure. We have been using a toothbrush.“

From the daily fun at Knock First in Rockville MD
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The Right Way: Introducing Yourself

The Right Way Part 1: Introducing Yourself Online

There is a right way to introduce yourself online when you are using apps or dating sites, and that means that conversely there is a wrong way also! 

You may be thinking, “Well, of course!”  but we all default to the wrong way from time to time, without even realizing it.

Frequently people ask me how to write a profile to maximize the potential to meet the people who may be best suited to them, and I always start by asking three questions:

  1. Who are you?
  2. What do you like?
  3. What are you seeking/wanting?

These are some of the hardest questions for people to really articulate the answers to, because we all find it hard to talk about who we are, what we like, and what we want.  It feels uncomfortable sometimes, but what one needs to realize is that this is the basis of all great communication between potential partners.

Let’s take them one at a time:

  1. Who are you?

Examples of what not to say (although many do!): “I am a 44 year old who is bi-curious, who has a lust for life, travel and great food, and is great at oral.”

But what does that really tell someone about you?  Not a lot!

A better example might be: “I am a 44 year old, with an open heart for exploration.  I am bi-curious, but also interested in where you are in your journey, and excited to seek adventure with a trusted partner who enjoys new experiences beyond our great meals and travel.  I love to talk about our fantasies and see how we can bring pleasure to each other, while we also verbally sparring about world politics, new bands and the latest fascinating scientific discoveries on our human horizon of evolution.  I will want to please you, so please be an open communicator so we can learn what each other loves in the bedroom and beyond.”

  •  What do you like?

Examples of what not to say (although many do!): “If you don’t know your way around my anatomy, swipe left now!  Words of affirmation are my love language.” 

Expand your thoughts and instead really tell someone what you like:

“I love to be with a person who is curious about the world, talks to me endlessly about fascinating topics, watches football with me before we go out dancing.  I love to spend my days off by getting all the chores done, then spending the rest of the day chilling in bed with a bottle of wine, a great movie, and slow-building passion – I won’t shame us for wanting pizza too.  I love walking my dog, cooking new recipes and talking for hours on the phone when we are not together.  I love words of affirmation, a partner with great communication skills who would rather compromise than fight, and who wants to never go to bed angry.”

  • What are you seeking/wanting?

Examples of what not to say: “I’m looking for someone to attend concerts with.  I’m looking for someone special to ignite those fires.”

EVERYONE IS, SILLY!

Instead, try to really talk to the people who are viewing you, because if they didn’t swipe left already, they are curious!

“I am looking for a partner or friend who can be serene in the easy  silence, spending rainy days in bed reading, understands that I have a job which requires me to travel, but who should know that when I am home, I am one hundred percent focused on us.  I love stimulating conversations over wine, where we end up a little drunk, because losing control together is its own form of intimacy.  I love when we explore new places, or even take it up a notch and go skydiving, because adrenaline is a rush. I am looking for someone who has those same inner drumbeats, is forward in bed, owning their own sexuality, and who is brave in life.”

When you are more comfortable presenting yourself this way, you stand a better chance of finding people who really connect with you, and weeding out the people who don’t like the things you are talking about- which is exactly what you want to have happen.

You should be less concerned with seeking ‘long term, short term’, and more focused on seeking the best fit for you, because you are worth it!

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Vibrator Quickies Image

Vibrator Quickies

Why does a session with your vibrator always seem to be a ‘quickie’?  I understand ‘mission oriented’, but sometimes, what we are really missing is that long, erotic sexual experience of our lover, and that person is simply unavailable.

Creativity with vibrators can be a wonderful way to achieve your release, but also the extended pleasure that we all sometimes crave.

Next time you are really missing your partner, consider two vibrators for your adventure.

Set your favorite music or visuals, and prepare for some long fun.

Starting with a wand can be the way to get things going, but stretch it out… don’t aim for the orgasm, aim for the pleasure-level.  Extending that timeline means extending those beautiful endorphins, that rush of moaning pleasure that comes with constant touch.  Take a break, sip your drink or hit your smoke, then return to the game.

When you feel like you may be ready to step up to the next level of pleasure, increase the stimulation by switching to your next favorite toy.  An internal vibrator is a great next play, and some toys come with multiple stimulation points, each able to turn up the intensity of the game another notch.

For years vibrators have been on the change!  They now come in all sizes, girths, lengths, textures, colors, shades and even the real feel of skin.   At the same time, designers have excelled at shapes intended to reach those perfect points both in and on your body that will allow you to reach your heights of orgasm.  Add to that the fact that now there are app-augmented internal and external vaginal vibrators, anal vibrators, nipple clamps and discreet panty vibrators which allow you to set the vibration to match the ambient music in the room, your playlist on Spotify, or even save the favorite pattern for re-play later.  The options are endless.

The best part of all of this?  Your vibrator won’t get tired.  It won’t change up the play on you, just when you want more of that exact feeling. 

So, skip the quickie… get two vibrators, play hard, and then take a relaxing shower, put your friends away with some toy-cleaner, and watch the 11 o’clock news with a sweet snack.  You deserve all that.

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FIRSTS

FIRSTS

A woman and her daughter came into our sex toy store.  Mom looked at ease, and her daughter stood stiffly shoulder-to-shoulder with her mom. 

In working the store, we are always on the floor and available to our customers, so the mom explained to me that she was looking for a great starter vibrator for her daughter. 

Her daughter showed classic signs of being a bit embarrassed but did not shy away from the conversation.

I was suddenly having flashbacks to that first bra-shopping trip I had with my mother, where she and the saleswoman talked across me as if I wasn’t there.  I didn’t really have any choices, it felt like no fun, and I came away knowing nothing new about being a woman.

I was determined to make this a better first time for this daughter.

I walked her over to our impressively large vibrator section and began to explain directly to her the various types of toys that we carry.  As if we were shopping together, I enthusiastically toured her through the difference between clitoral stimulating toys, thrusters, g-spot stimulators, rabbits, anal plugs and simple vibrators.

Her mom was now a backseat passenger for the most part, only joining in when I showed her the Playboy Lil Rabbit, explaining to her that the toy was really quite silent, and so it would be more discrete if she was living with others.  Her mom turned to her giggling, “or when mom and dad are home, since you are living in our house this year!”  You could feel their bonding, and our tour continued.  Her daughter absorbed the information on each type of toy without embarrassment.  She held each toy, and I reminded her that although today she was simply looking for a starter toy, that it was ok that she had more than one.

I turned to the daughter as we approached the front, and explained to her that it is important that she get to know herself well, and how to please herself, because not only would it bring her joy now, but one day she might meet someone special, and she would want them to please her best, and they will want to know specifically how to do that for her.  All of which begins with understanding herself.  She can’t communicate it, if she doesn’t know.

Her mom beamed, and thanked me, but I wanted to thank her instead.  How many moms pay attention to the positive sides of their daughters’ sexual development?  So often our moms spend their time warning us about the dangers of sex, how not to be seen as loose, how to protect ourselves.  Not enough moms take us down the road of how to get to know ourselves intimately, understand our body’s needs, and bring joy to ourselves.  I applaud her and the way she has opened this healthier awareness of self to her child who is in transition to adulthood.

Her daughter grew that afternoon, expanding her understanding of not only herself, but also of her future rights to claim pleasure and own her happiness when it comes to her body.  It was a gift from her mom which will serve her far into the future, because knowing your own body’s triggers is a foundation to sharing that knowledge with a future partner, and that level of communication can lead to a much more fulfilling relationship.

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4 Steps to Reinventing Yourself

4 STEPS TO REINVENTING YOURSELF AFTER A RELATIONSHIP

**as in all my posts, this subject matter may not directly relate to your situation, yet you might find a nugget in it which may lend your insight to your own life.

Guess what?  You have heard this before!  Over and over: self-care is important. The biggest challenge is deciding how to work on yourself.  We dance around the subject and don’t get any real guidance beyond lifestyle, exercise, diet, mingling.

Today I am going to talk about this as it relates to relationships, yet I have begun to discover that it applies to all parts of my life, so as you read, please let yourself see more broadly how this might lend your insight with other situations you encounter.

When I was suddenly widowed, the best piece of advice I received was one sentence, and I did not understand what it really meant at the time: “You will have to completely re-invent yourself.”

The advice came from another widow, and she did not expound on the statement except to say, “You’ll see.”

I thought I got it: no new partner would share a history with me, no new friends would know me ‘with him’, and I would have to cut a new path of where to live and work in life.  Learn to be a single person, as opposed to a part of a team.

But that was NOT what she meant.

She had a greater message that I have since found should be heeded by single people, young people launching themselves into the world, as well as those of us trying to start to live again after extreme loss.  Her message had everything to do with YOU.  YOU HAVE TO REBUILD YOU. There are steps, and you can’t skip any, or mail it in, otherwise you will just fall into relationships without intention, and frequently find yourself only partially satisfied.  Settling.

In order to truly rebuild yourself from the ground up, there are four steps you need to take, and when completing these steps, you must learn to ACT WITH INTENTION.

  1. YOU MUST REDEFINE YOUR NEEDS: YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN (home, job, self)
  2. SATISFY YOUR NEEDS WITHOUT A FULL TIME PARTNER (home, job, self and more)
  3. CREATING A MEASURING STICK
  4. BE OPEN TO OPPORTUNITIES THAT MAY FALL IN YOUR LAP (relationships, jobs, experiences)

Let’s take them one at a time, because they are harder than you might think at first glance.

1. DEFINING YOUR NEEDS ON YOUR OWN

If you think about your needs (not your children’s, or those to whom you have responsibility), you may find it more difficult to articulate your ‘self needs’, than you do your ‘job’ or ‘home’ needs.

Job is usually the easiest, so let’s start there.  I looked at the parts of my life I would like to make better, and acknowledged that commuting makes me angry and stressed, and I want this out of my new life.  I also realized I never have time to get the laundry or cleaning done, and I don’t feel like I can catch up on anything, and I don’t like feeling this way.  I realize my job pays the bills, but is not the source of my life satisfaction, so how can I fix this going forward?

An example of defining your need would be: I need to maintain a job that allows me to afford my responsibilities, but which also allows me to be closer to home so I can reclaim 10 hours of commuting each week, which will remove that commuting stress from my life and make my single-life more manageable.

Home is the next hurdle: what do I need from my home? An outdoor space? A quiet extra room defined as only mine? Easy access to that new short commute? Rental instead of ownership?  Ask yourself the questions, because only then can you create the situation that really addresses your needs.

And now the hard one: Self.  What do YOU need to be truly satisfied? Be basic about it and build upward.

Example: I need a balanced self-care program.  I know I need sleep, but I also know I need other things.

  • Joyful orgasms at least 4 times a week.
  • Ongoing conversation with a person who understands me
  • Ongoing conversation with a person who is smart and likes to discuss and debate all sorts of things
  • Kindness and intimacy
  • A ‘partner in crime’, very loosely defined, but someone to share some life adventures with
  • A friend who wants to do things which require, or are more fun with, two people: diving? Moving furniture? Playing board games?
  • To be able to indulge your own tastes in food, music and humor

Now, this may not be your list, but you do need to create one for yourself, because in creating the list, you have begun to create your measuring stick for future opportunities, and you are one giant step closer to fulfilling your needs yourself, and freeing yourself from a cyclical search of trying to find ‘the one’ who can make you happy. 

YOU are the one who can make YOU happy, and it starts by making a list.

Now since we are talking about sex and relationships, let’s get even more specific.  Add to your private list some things that may inspire you from the list below, specifically asking yourself to be honest about what you like the best, and what you would love to have be a part of your next chapter in life.

  • A dominant or submissive partner
  • Monogamous or non-monogamous-partner demands on you
  • A person who speaks your love-language (says the things you love to hear, without prompting)
  • A partner who is enthusiastic about experimentation
  • A partner who understands your joy for kink
  • A partner who is giving in the bedroom
  • A partner who is full of humor and is comfortable in their skin
  • Someone who sets you on fire

ACT WITH INTENTION:
Write it down and own it!

Now that you have your personalized list, let’s do the next fun part:

2. SATISFY YOUR NEEDS WITHOUT A FULL TIME PARTNER

What does this mean??? It can take many forms, and you can find your own way on this one as it relates to your job and home, but in the area of your self, you must ACT WITH INTENTION AGAIN, and it may feel awkward at first, because we don’t do this very often, and we don’t do it very well. 

How do you address the need for all of the above?  There are several ways, but one easy way is using apps.  Not hard to download one that already has a membership that fits your general personality or demographic you like to be friends with.  Maybe it is Tinder, OKCupid, Feeld, JDate or Grinder, but there is definitely an app out there with a huge pool of people who share a lot of your desired qualities when it comes to satisfying yourself.

If journeying in this way, a couple of things will guide you:

  • Know that you are not searching for one person who fits all your sexual needs.  Maybe it will be two people, or a combination of one person and a ton of sex toys.
  • Know that you are not searching for a single person to fulfill all your social needs.  Maybe one friend will love to cook and eat out with you.  Maybe another friend will love to hike with you.  Maybe another will text you all day to make you laugh.  Maybe another never forgets to wish you goodnight.
  • Know that you can ask for exactly what you are looking for, and be clear about what you are not looking for.  Remember, when I say ‘what you are looking for’, I don’t mean in another person.  I mean for yourself, from your list.  On some apps you can be clear and say: “I am looking for someone who has great conversation and is willing to have quality, giving, vigorous sex a couple of times a week, but will not try to leave a toothbrush or clothing at my house.”  …or whatever is on YOUR list.

Ultimately, you are endeavoring to fill your own needs, give yourself the love and intimacy you require, with intention, and with the kindness and respect of open communication as you engage with people.  You are not expecting to find someone who will fill every need for you, but instead to address each need in a way that works: maybe one partner supplies a combination of three needs, while another brings only one critical need fulfillment to the table, maybe another brings the bedroom activity while another brings the adventuring in life that you require, but doesn’t fit you in the bedroom.  The old model of one person having to fulfill all your needs does not have to be applicable to your situation.

3. CREATING A MEASURING STICK

Once you are living your life in a way that honors yourself and your core needs, you will inherently see the importance of YOUR critical components being part of your ongoing life. 

If you have done the work above, these become units on your new measuring stick. 

You are going to use the measuring stick on yourself and to evaluate others. 

When you use the measuring stick on yourself, you are taking inventory to make sure you are keeping up with meeting your needs.  You haven’t let a whole week go by without your needed orgasms, or contact with people who stimulate you in a way you feel feeds your needs.

If you have, pay attention, and rectify the situation.  You owe it to yourself to be kind and practice self-care that keeps you balanced and physically and psychologically well fed.

When you use the measuring stick to evaluate others, make sure that they are bringing something into your life that is important to you, and recognize that they might not be your forever-person-who-fills-every-need.  They may be one of many friends, but they must not thrust the opposite of what you need onto you.  You want to share in the parts that are good, and not subject yourself to any parts that may be counter to your needs- and you should be kind, clear and communicative about your boundaries and how you deal with them so that no one’s feelings are hurt.  Everyone participating must agree that it is ok for one person to not have to fill all your needs, otherwise that won’t be healthy for you either.

Now the frosting.

4. BE OPEN TO OPPORTUNITIES THAT MAY FALL IN YOUR LAP

Everything we have talked about is how you make yourself fulfilled, and a glimpse into a way you can act with intention to understand, address, and share your needs so you are not just seeking ‘the one’.

But what if ‘the one’ drops into your lap?  It could be the job, the home, or the partner.  You will now have a measuring stick. 

When it comes to a potential partner who may ask you for more, or even all, you will have an actual way to evaluate their ability to meet your needs which may make a relationship with them successful, joyful and fulfilling.  You can look back on your own lists.  The ones you made while the passion with this new person was not running high, and ask yourself if they might be able to fulfill all your needs.  You will see clearly if there is a red flag; something you may be giving up of yourself if you move forward.  Something you may not have noticed if you hadn’t done the work to make a list… something you may ignore if it were not in ink in front of you on a page, challenging you to explain yourself to yourself.

This is how we live our best lives first on our own, and how we make good choices and don’t deceive ourselves when a potentially good opportunity drops into our laps.

It is how we honor ourselves, continue to practice self-care, and don’t pretend that everything is ‘perfect’ when instead we have just swept our good standards aside instead of evaluating the situation against the ruler. 

Acting with intention, we use our measuring stick which we created for ourselves, and then once we know it is a good fit, we can relax and enjoy the journey of discovery with our new opportunity.  Or continue onward having judged it insufficient to address our real needs.

Ultimately, you must know what YOU need to be happy, then provide those things for yourself.  In doing so, you will create a measuring stick against which you can judge any friendships, relationships, or life paths which will present themselves as opportunities.

Don’t go looking for the opportunities. 

Opportunities are always around you, but being ready for them and able to judge clearly if they are good for you, is a skill most of us don’t have.  That skill is what I want to talk about today.

Work on giving yourself everything you need, so that you can see the opportunities when they present themselves and evaluate clearly if they will meet your standards, fall in line with your defined needs for yourself, or if you will be giving something up in order to accept them.

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welcome to sex blog

Welcome to The World of Sex Toys, Dating Apps, and The Joy of Sex

Hi,

Welcome to Ask Claire, the blog that I curate for our shop, Knock First.  I am Claire, the Director of Wingman Services.  What is that?  Whether you realize it or not, from time to time everyone needs what has been historically known as a ‘wingman’.  I am not using it in a gender-specific way, but instead as a term that means we are your friend, your partner on your journey: whether it is simple shopping for fun, or a mission-oriented trip that will enhance a part of your sex life.

We are at your side.

It is what you experience in our store when you come in to shop with us.  We help you explore, hold and understand the many products we carry, we answer your questions honestly and in a way that we hope makes you comfortable.

We also endeavor to answer your questions when you call us, and now I will be available to you on this blog.  You can email a question anytime.

What makes me a great wingman?  Healing and rediscovery requires encouragement, kindness, hand-holding, and the kind of boosting that only a kindred spirit can provide.

I have had several amazing ones of my own.  In my journey after the loss of my spouse, I have needed wingmen every step of the way, and I wouldn’t be living my best life now if it wasn’t for their joyous laughter, teasing, sassing, and their honest sharing of personal stories and frank insights into the world I was entering, in their earnest hope for me to heal and grow.  Their generosity was a gift that I hope to share with you as well.

Sex and intimacy are such an important part of our lives being fulfilled and satisfying, and yet in the realm of self-care, frequently they are pushed aside, the least easy to talk about, and the hardest to re-start.

We are all on a journey of some sort when it comes to sex – sexuality is not a static state.  I have a unique perspective because I have been through a lot, but I am embracing life, and am still learning more every day.  I will share what I know and will explore topics with you that you make wish to talk about, as well as offering product reviews for items that we love.  And I will do my best to serve you as your wingman, as will all of us here at Knock First.

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