**as in all my posts, this subject matter may not directly relate to your situation, yet you might find a nugget in it which may lend your insight to your own life.
Guess what? You have heard this before! Over and over: self-care is important. The biggest challenge is deciding how to work on yourself. We dance around the subject and don’t get any real guidance beyond lifestyle, exercise, diet, mingling.
Today I am going to talk about this as it relates to relationships, yet I have begun to discover that it applies to all parts of my life, so as you read, please let yourself see more broadly how this might lend your insight with other situations you encounter.
When I was suddenly widowed, the best piece of advice I received was one sentence, and I did not understand what it really meant at the time: “You will have to completely re-invent yourself.”
The advice came from another widow, and she did not expound on the statement except to say, “You’ll see.”
I thought I got it: no new partner would share a history with me, no new friends would know me ‘with him’, and I would have to cut a new path of where to live and work in life. Learn to be a single person, as opposed to a part of a team.
But that was NOT what she meant.
She had a greater message that I have since found should be heeded by single people, young people launching themselves into the world, as well as those of us trying to start to live again after extreme loss. Her message had everything to do with YOU. YOU HAVE TO REBUILD YOU. There are steps, and you can’t skip any, or mail it in, otherwise you will just fall into relationships without intention, and frequently find yourself only partially satisfied. Settling.
In order to truly rebuild yourself from the ground up, there are four steps you need to take, and when completing these steps, you must learn to ACT WITH INTENTION.
- YOU MUST REDEFINE YOUR NEEDS: YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN (home, job, self)
- SATISFY YOUR NEEDS WITHOUT A FULL TIME PARTNER (home, job, self and more)
- CREATING A MEASURING STICK
- BE OPEN TO OPPORTUNITIES THAT MAY FALL IN YOUR LAP (relationships, jobs, experiences)
Let’s take them one at a time, because they are harder than you might think at first glance.
1. DEFINING YOUR NEEDS ON YOUR OWN
If you think about your needs (not your children’s, or those to whom you have responsibility), you may find it more difficult to articulate your ‘self needs’, than you do your ‘job’ or ‘home’ needs.
Job is usually the easiest, so let’s start there. I looked at the parts of my life I would like to make better, and acknowledged that commuting makes me angry and stressed, and I want this out of my new life. I also realized I never have time to get the laundry or cleaning done, and I don’t feel like I can catch up on anything, and I don’t like feeling this way. I realize my job pays the bills, but is not the source of my life satisfaction, so how can I fix this going forward?
An example of defining your need would be: I need to maintain a job that allows me to afford my responsibilities, but which also allows me to be closer to home so I can reclaim 10 hours of commuting each week, which will remove that commuting stress from my life and make my single-life more manageable.
Home is the next hurdle: what do I need from my home? An outdoor space? A quiet extra room defined as only mine? Easy access to that new short commute? Rental instead of ownership? Ask yourself the questions, because only then can you create the situation that really addresses your needs.
And now the hard one: Self. What do YOU need to be truly satisfied? Be basic about it and build upward.
Example: I need a balanced self-care program. I know I need sleep, but I also know I need other things.
- Joyful orgasms at least 4 times a week.
- Ongoing conversation with a person who understands me
- Ongoing conversation with a person who is smart and likes to discuss and debate all sorts of things
- Kindness and intimacy
- A ‘partner in crime’, very loosely defined, but someone to share some life adventures with
- A friend who wants to do things which require, or are more fun with, two people: diving? Moving furniture? Playing board games?
- To be able to indulge your own tastes in food, music and humor
Now, this may not be your list, but you do need to create one for yourself, because in creating the list, you have begun to create your measuring stick for future opportunities, and you are one giant step closer to fulfilling your needs yourself, and freeing yourself from a cyclical search of trying to find ‘the one’ who can make you happy.
YOU are the one who can make YOU happy, and it starts by making a list.
Now since we are talking about sex and relationships, let’s get even more specific. Add to your private list some things that may inspire you from the list below, specifically asking yourself to be honest about what you like the best, and what you would love to have be a part of your next chapter in life.
- A dominant or submissive partner
- Monogamous or non-monogamous-partner demands on you
- A person who speaks your love-language (says the things you love to hear, without prompting)
- A partner who is enthusiastic about experimentation
- A partner who understands your joy for kink
- A partner who is giving in the bedroom
- A partner who is full of humor and is comfortable in their skin
- Someone who sets you on fire
ACT WITH INTENTION:
Write it down and own it!
Now that you have your personalized list, let’s do the next fun part:
2. SATISFY YOUR NEEDS WITHOUT A FULL TIME PARTNER
What does this mean??? It can take many forms, and you can find your own way on this one as it relates to your job and home, but in the area of your self, you must ACT WITH INTENTION AGAIN, and it may feel awkward at first, because we don’t do this very often, and we don’t do it very well.
How do you address the need for all of the above? There are several ways, but one easy way is using apps. Not hard to download one that already has a membership that fits your general personality or demographic you like to be friends with. Maybe it is Tinder, OKCupid, Feeld, JDate or Grinder, but there is definitely an app out there with a huge pool of people who share a lot of your desired qualities when it comes to satisfying yourself.
If journeying in this way, a couple of things will guide you:
- Know that you are not searching for one person who fits all your sexual needs. Maybe it will be two people, or a combination of one person and a ton of sex toys.
- Know that you are not searching for a single person to fulfill all your social needs. Maybe one friend will love to cook and eat out with you. Maybe another friend will love to hike with you. Maybe another will text you all day to make you laugh. Maybe another never forgets to wish you goodnight.
- Know that you can ask for exactly what you are looking for, and be clear about what you are not looking for. Remember, when I say ‘what you are looking for’, I don’t mean in another person. I mean for yourself, from your list. On some apps you can be clear and say: “I am looking for someone who has great conversation and is willing to have quality, giving, vigorous sex a couple of times a week, but will not try to leave a toothbrush or clothing at my house.” …or whatever is on YOUR list.
Ultimately, you are endeavoring to fill your own needs, give yourself the love and intimacy you require, with intention, and with the kindness and respect of open communication as you engage with people. You are not expecting to find someone who will fill every need for you, but instead to address each need in a way that works: maybe one partner supplies a combination of three needs, while another brings only one critical need fulfillment to the table, maybe another brings the bedroom activity while another brings the adventuring in life that you require, but doesn’t fit you in the bedroom. The old model of one person having to fulfill all your needs does not have to be applicable to your situation.
3. CREATING A MEASURING STICK
Once you are living your life in a way that honors yourself and your core needs, you will inherently see the importance of YOUR critical components being part of your ongoing life.
If you have done the work above, these become units on your new measuring stick.
You are going to use the measuring stick on yourself and to evaluate others.
When you use the measuring stick on yourself, you are taking inventory to make sure you are keeping up with meeting your needs. You haven’t let a whole week go by without your needed orgasms, or contact with people who stimulate you in a way you feel feeds your needs.
If you have, pay attention, and rectify the situation. You owe it to yourself to be kind and practice self-care that keeps you balanced and physically and psychologically well fed.
When you use the measuring stick to evaluate others, make sure that they are bringing something into your life that is important to you, and recognize that they might not be your forever-person-who-fills-every-need. They may be one of many friends, but they must not thrust the opposite of what you need onto you. You want to share in the parts that are good, and not subject yourself to any parts that may be counter to your needs- and you should be kind, clear and communicative about your boundaries and how you deal with them so that no one’s feelings are hurt. Everyone participating must agree that it is ok for one person to not have to fill all your needs, otherwise that won’t be healthy for you either.
Now the frosting.
4. BE OPEN TO OPPORTUNITIES THAT MAY FALL IN YOUR LAP
Everything we have talked about is how you make yourself fulfilled, and a glimpse into a way you can act with intention to understand, address, and share your needs so you are not just seeking ‘the one’.
But what if ‘the one’ drops into your lap? It could be the job, the home, or the partner. You will now have a measuring stick.
When it comes to a potential partner who may ask you for more, or even all, you will have an actual way to evaluate their ability to meet your needs which may make a relationship with them successful, joyful and fulfilling. You can look back on your own lists. The ones you made while the passion with this new person was not running high, and ask yourself if they might be able to fulfill all your needs. You will see clearly if there is a red flag; something you may be giving up of yourself if you move forward. Something you may not have noticed if you hadn’t done the work to make a list… something you may ignore if it were not in ink in front of you on a page, challenging you to explain yourself to yourself.
This is how we live our best lives first on our own, and how we make good choices and don’t deceive ourselves when a potentially good opportunity drops into our laps.
It is how we honor ourselves, continue to practice self-care, and don’t pretend that everything is ‘perfect’ when instead we have just swept our good standards aside instead of evaluating the situation against the ruler.
Acting with intention, we use our measuring stick which we created for ourselves, and then once we know it is a good fit, we can relax and enjoy the journey of discovery with our new opportunity. Or continue onward having judged it insufficient to address our real needs.
Ultimately, you must know what YOU need to be happy, then provide those things for yourself. In doing so, you will create a measuring stick against which you can judge any friendships, relationships, or life paths which will present themselves as opportunities.
Don’t go looking for the opportunities.
Opportunities are always around you, but being ready for them and able to judge clearly if they are good for you, is a skill most of us don’t have. That skill is what I want to talk about today.
Work on giving yourself everything you need, so that you can see the opportunities when they present themselves and evaluate clearly if they will meet your standards, fall in line with your defined needs for yourself, or if you will be giving something up in order to accept them.
