When we are on apps like Tinder, Grindr and Feeld which connect us with potential mates or folks who share our kinks, we are faced with hundreds of people to swipe right or left on, and sometimes that can become dehumanizing, leading us to treat the whole experience of connecting with people as a ‘game’ of sorts.
It’s fun to casually chat, as if we were at a cocktail party; to move from one person to another. The chase, the flirtation, the witty banter, giving and receiving ‘goodnights’ from a handful of individuals whom you are courting, is a rush, however as we know, many of those exchanges don’t evolve into a tangible relationship.
Yet, they are sort of ‘mini-relationships’ aren’t they? They are moments we have shared with another human being, exchanging intimate thoughts, before deciding that something about them suddenly raises a red flag. It can be something as simple as a difference in communication style or something as uncomfortable, such as they live like they have never learned to clean the bathroom.
This is a real human being, and we cannot just disconnect on apps abruptly, because we are human too. It is hurtful to ghost someone, and leave them wondering what they did, causing them to feel self-doubt. There is always a kind but firm way to begin the disconnection process.
First of all, understand why you are disconnecting. You have a measuring stick which you are using to evaluate if you have found a truly compatible person to be with. Suddenly you realize that your communications styles are so different that you will just never be happy. You like to communicate a lot throughout the day, and they are more reserved, letting whole days go by. You have talked about it with them, but it seems to be the way they are. No mal-intent.
What do you do about it? Explain. Explain that it is not that they are deficient in any way. They are just different than what works for you. Explain that you have turned this over in your mind and realize that you are not compatible in this way. Assure them that you are not going to spend a lifetime hoping they will change or thinking that their love for you will change who they are and how they function. Be clear that you respect them but will not build your life around a hope that they can be different, and that you have no desire to change them, because that is a path that never works. In this way, you are being true to yourself.
Hold fast to your honoring of yourself. Make sure that you mean what you are saying, and not just hoping that they will say, “Oh, babe, I will change for you…” because that, too, is folly.
Be kind in your execution of the disconnection. Allow the person to ask questions, to probe your decision so they can better absorb it, and to assure them that there is nothing good that can come of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole: for either one of you. Remind yourself of this fact as well, because it can be so easy to fall right back into the arms of someone you have feelings for, even though your brain has recognized that this is not the right fit.
Then stay away. Do not continue to engage. If you can avoid it, do not go where they go out. Work hard to cut the strings, because changing your mind later is to deny the truth you already know. This takes confidence in yourself and your choices, but you are worth it.
A little humor from our shop:
From the daily fun at Knock First in Rockville MD
Today a guest asked us to find him a straight vibrator in a certain price range. We asked if he wanted it to be short or long? He replied: “I am not sure. We have been using a toothbrush.“
