What does one do when the pain of loss suddenly ebbs away from you? When your head and heart still misses your person so deeply, but your body and other more primitive parts of your brain have decided that you need physical touch and emotional intimacy?
How do you navigate the guilt felt because you are having these feelings, coupled with the uncertainty that anyone will ever want you again, and the certainty that you won’t know what to do if they do?
This is something I have faced over the past 6 months and have tried so hard to navigate through with the guidance of grief therapy and conscious self-examination.
A lifetime spent with one man. Our lives so enmeshed because of our working together in the same business, growing our dreams as a team, taking life-chances and supporting each other in our whims, fantasies, and wildly adventurous projects and schemes that brought us immense happiness and creative growth- all led me to a dependency on closeness that I was not aware of.
As I step into this new chapter of my life, and I find myself desiring companionship and intimacy, I can’t imagine any person being able to fill that void fully. I am not trying to replace my person. I am however used to a certain structure of a relationship that included constant contact.
I have come to understand that many people don’t have the desire for this level of connectedness. I also don’t think I want that level of interactivity from one single person- and my perception is that no single person will want to be connected on that level, even if it develops over time.
Time is my enemy, because my need to feel some connection on that level is: now. And, my realization is that I am not sure it has to be one person.
So what does one do with that thought? The thought that it’s ok and even desirable that you do not need just one person? Allowing yourself to explore the idea that you might have several very rewarding relationships to fill your days and evenings, and your needs for different types of mental and physical interaction in your life, without it having to be just one person? The thought that your own needs for an overwhelming amount of interaction might be a lot easier on your chosen person- if it were chosen people instead.
We live in a world where the term ENM (Ethically Non-Monogamous) is thrown about to cover a whole host of situations, most often associated with marriages where the physical has broken down while the relationship has remained strong, and the couple wants each other to be fulfilled and so an ‘arrangement’ filled with respect and love has been forged in which certain pleasures are allowed to be sought outside the traditionally defined marriage.
But how many people are also engaged in this type of relationship who are not married? People who made an intentional decision to address their own needs in an ethical and honest way? People who are still open to seeing if someone special just drops into their world, but who are taking care of their own needs first?
As important as realizing what you need, is realizing what your partner(s) needs to be fulfilled. Can you find a selection of partners to satisfy your life-needs, who each understand that alone, they are not enough. Partners who are comfortable with that thought?
Is this a new and acceptable form of a ‘relationship’ which will work for everyone involved?
Does it diminish the quality of your time spent together, if you are not only committed to one person?
I have struggled with this concept, and have found myself coming in on the side of ENM, not just because it suits my needs – which is of course very important! – but because in a world where we can order any food, any type of pet, any type of personalized piece of craftsmanship, why would we suddenly stop when we get to the most important thing to us: our intimate relationships which feed our soul.
If I am honest with people about my situation, my needs, my desire, my time availability – and they are honest with me – then why would this be any more likely to end in heartbreak for either party than a ‘regular’ relationship as they have been defined in the past?
The byproduct of all of this is that it also helps me develop my measuring stick for when someone shows up in my life who seems to meet all my needs, and asks more of me: I now know more clearly how to evaluate that potential.
It feels like an evolution in communication, not a breaking of trust.
It feels like asking people for exactly what they are able to give, not existing in a partially satisfying situation, eternally wishing they could give more.
It feels like not giving up anything I have identified as my own needs, while still building meaningful connections.
It also feels alien, but like something I wish to explore more.
